The God Squad: Spiritual balancing with my friend M
The test of his blood that let us all breathe.
The car accident that saved my life.
Every day she held the bucket, real or imagined, for me to throw up in.
Every day I made her cry, and she still forgave me.
Every day I made her smile that I took for granted.
Every day I had, not knowing I had it.
Every day I didn’t have, wishing I did, knowing I would.
Every damn day, even now, when there is almost nothing, there is still something, still some thing, that is her in me.
Every day I still get to see them. Even though I’ve missed chances I’m already regretting, I’ve still had them here with me and those moments will echo through all the silent days soon to come.
Am I happy with this life now? I am happy that I exist. I am happy that whatever existence this is, it is a comfortable one, more comfortable than I deserve, with work that is vexing without being a vexation. Everything is ridiculously easy compared to what it could be. I have been forgiven by God because God loves. I see that more and more, because there is no other explanation for me being alive other than His love He showed me through her. Every hard thing I do is still possible. Every fear I still have, unspeakably immense though they all seem, they have not taken me down. And there’s still time for me to be thankful that I am still here. That itself is a joy worth acknowledging.
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