ArcaMax

Love -- the real deal -- can exist only between lovers who are whole and distinct individuals capable of standing alone, apart from their beloved. My word for that state is undependence. Learning to be alone, then, is cultivating that ability in preparation for love partnership; there is no other way to start the process of creating personhood. ...Read more

As regular readers know, that's no typo. "Undependence" is my word for wholeness, the ability to be comfortably alone with oneself -- not all the time and not as a way of life but definitely when the alternative is boring or disagreeable company. But this society feels uncomfortable when we're not paired off two by two, because it sees aloneness...Read more

Yes, singleness gives the power of being in charge of your life, but what about the sadness that we often feel? How do you explain it?

Being in total control of your life is the positive side of single life, but the flip side is there, too -- a sad, gnawing realization that you're on your own. Onlyness, I call it. But -- you suspected this was ...Read more

Today's "Single File" column could be headlined "Looking Back, "Looking Ahead" or "Looking Within." Since "Single File" has been printed for over 40 years, all three apply. Because the column is inextricably bound to the lives of the unmarried in this country, this columnist sees its past, present and future as being tightly linked to them. As ...Read more

DEAR SUSAN: Want to know what hell is? Hell is when your blind date shows up and your mother can barely croak your name when she calls you, as she's almost doubled up with laughter. Picture a man who is 7 feet tall and wearing a raincoat loosely belted -- under his armpits! Tall is OK, I guess, but a head the size of a walnut was a real shocker....Read more

Love is not social work. Yes, I've said it before, but given more space and newsprint, let's really dig into the concept. All of us have at some point met someone who shakes our universe but comes with a lot of baggage. To be kind, let's call them issues. We brush aside friends' warnings -- and our own viscera -- to help this deserving person ...Read more

When we're happy, everything seems to fall into place. We're in sync with the universe. Irritants shrink to manageable sizes. The fog of self-absorption gives way to the inner joy we're meant to know all the time. But somehow, it never seems to last very long; pretty soon, the old ways return and dim our vision with the familiar, the routine, ...Read more

Single life is a series of challenges. But the one that leaves me breathless even as I write this is the supersize twin dare to be undependent (aka whole) during unpartnered phases and to keep that sense of self while coupled. And no, that's not an impossible dream. Radical, yes, but eminently doable. What it takes is conscious -- and constant -...Read more

I just happened to be reading my book ("Single File," for you in Readerland who haven't yet done the same) and found myself lingering on the "Be Good to Yourself" pages. This is an issue dear to my heart because, to this day, the stereotype lingers of the unmarried as utterly selfish and navel-watching. To be sure, there's much unraveling of old...Read more

Some misguided women believe that putting down the males of our species makes them look better, stronger, more independent. Well, ladies, if it takes one of your own gender to blow the whistle on this gem of mindlessness, consider yours truly the ideal candidate. (Deep bow from the waist.) I've been dumped, stood up and lied to, yet I have known...Read more

In any successful business, key people anticipate the future and make their plans accordingly. As chairman of the board of your life (not a bad way to see things), you're faced with the same challenge/opportunity -- which means, of course, looking at the numbers dealing with your odds of marrying. Those numbers were so startling when first ...Read more

Here are some common flimsy excuses for postponing one's undependence:

--Men don't like independence in women.

--I couldn't afford to be on my own.

--I'm only happy when a man is in love with me.

--I don't feel feminine when I'm not on a man's arm.

--People have told me that I'm not a whole/real person until I'm someone's wife.

--I feel ...Read more

Yes. You! It just might happen that you meet someone you can't get out of your mind, a wonderful one whose chemistry seems to mesh perfectly with yours. The mere thought of this person makes you grin with a happy secret between you and -- well, you. In other words, for the first time in a long time, you're floored. And private time spent with ...Read more