Life Advice

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Health & Spirit

She'd like to close the gap on their middle-distance relationship

Carolyn Hax on

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

After three months of dating, my boyfriend got a job in another city. It's less than three hours away and we have been doing the middle-distance thing for about four months. Boyfriend is amazing, a wonderful kind heart, and so handsome to boot!

At first the distance wasn't that big of a deal, but lately it's been very hard. Both of us are busy at work right now, and it's been difficult to see each other.

I feel like after seven months it's time to talk about when we can close the distance. My job is more flexible, and I know I would be the one to move; I'm ok with that.

But how do I start this conversation? He tends to be a little defensive when we talk about "feelings" and has trouble expressing himself. I want this to be a positive conversation, although I realize we might not be on the same page if he hasn't brought it up either. Any advice on how to start this conversation?

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-- In a Middle-Distance Relationship

Just start it. If you can't talk without first achieving the exact planetary alignment necessary to avoid triggering his defenses, then this thing is toast. Or should be. Seriously.

There are a whole lot of variations in what people want in a relationship and what works for them and how they define "too soon," but if you know you have to tiptoe around important subjects and you choose to stay anyway, then you've introduced a layer of effort and stress that will only get thicker and heavier and more obnoxious over time, especially since the typical arc of life is to hit progressively heavier stuff as you go on. With no new-love happy chemicals to float you through it.

So, talk. Find out now if your affection for each other can withstand it.

...continued

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