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Engaged to a racist

Carolyn Hax on

Would you admit to them, to their faces, that these things register as trivial to you because they don't affect you personally?

And: When was the last time you saw a race do something horrible?

My forehead just whispered that I need to spell this out.

A person. A person does something horrible. Not a race.

And yes, we all have some biases and prejudices, but the duty of all decent people is to hold ourselves to the highest standards and be vigilant about not acting on them -- not to rage at our loved ones in defense of our roiling hate.

The person you want to marry and you say has "many wonderful qualities" is doing something horrible and wrong and needs either to get counseling immediately for his judgment-impairing anger or get out of law enforcement. Ideally both.

 

Sweet deity. I fear for [race] people in his jurisdiction.

And I fear for you. If you're not connecting these dots yourself, what others aren't you connecting? And why?

Meanwhile: "The amount of time and energy we have spent arguing ... is downright embarrassing," you say, and you can't do your job "without my fiance turning it into a huge fight," and in an earlier part of the same breath you're "looking forward to spending the rest of my life with him."

What the what? Forget what the arguments are about, even -- would you let a friend say this unchallenged about her relationship? Or would you help her pack?

...continued

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