Life Advice


Health & Spirit

Should adult daughter be given 'sleepover benefits' with boyfriend?

Carolyn Hax on

Of course you can just say it's your home, your rules -- heads of households have that prerogative. And some people really do find black-and-white to be the best colors for their parental worldview.

But people with comfortably gray value systems often go black-and-white in discrete situations just because it's easier to do that than it is to come up with a more nuanced, gray-friendly solution that stands up over time and remains applicable in many different scenarios. And I think copping out like that tends to come back to bite people when future gray situations come up.

So, yeah. What's your message? That's my message.

Re: Sleepless:

There are plenty of reasons they might want to share a room that don't involve sex -- for instance, meeting your significant other's family is a stressful experience, and there's always the opportunity for misunderstandings. Having a shared room lets your daughter and her boyfriend talk these issues out together in privacy. If they're both still in college, they might not be able to afford to get a hotel room. It might even be a big deal for him to travel to see your family.

They're doing a nice thing by reaching out to you in this way. Do you want to feel welcoming? If not, there should be a really good reason for it, not just one that you can articulate, but which is backed up by your values and the way you've always lived your life.

-- Perspective

Re: Sleepover:


This is a hard issue to face given the physical and emotional negatives of casual sex. Isn't this a big consideration?

-- Anonymous

Sex between adults in an established relationship isn't "casual sex." So, no.


Email Carolyn at, follow her on Facebook at or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at

(c) 2017, Washington Post Writers Group



blog comments powered by Disqus

Social Connections


Aunty Acid Wumo Rhymes with Orange Blondie Ask Shagg For Heaven's Sake