Life Advice


Health & Spirit

Missing quality time with overworked boyfriend

Carolyn Hax on

Then you decide accordingly whether this relationship is where you really want to be.

You'll be happier about this whole answer, though, and happier in general, if you come up with it (and others like it) on your own.

So, here's a rough set of commandments to get you there:

(1) Do not take personally what isn't personal. He is driving, working, driving and resting; he is not purposefully avoiding you.

(2) Do not confuse desires with expectations. You want to chat after a long day, but that doesn't mean it's fair to expect him to chat after a long day. Expecting it introduces disappointment and blame, intimacy-killers both. Don't dismiss the wanting, though; it can tell you what matters to you.

(3) When you don't get what you want, try liking what you actually have. Each fall, you have the security and promise of a shared love plus the freedom of "found" time. What good ways can you use that? And, how can you make your couple time both restorative for him and satisfying to you?

(4) Put away any preconceived notions of how a relationship "should" be and let your contentment, or lack of it, tell you whether it works. Don't fight your reality -- be patient, live it, and listen to it. See what will and won't change -- not because you want it to, but because it does. Then trust the answer you get.


Email Carolyn at, follow her on Facebook at or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at

(c) 2017, Washington Post Writers Group



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