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Health & Spirit

Is it OK to delay pregnancy for a career deadline?

Carolyn Hax on

And, at the same time, address your husband's resentment and your choices as a couple.

When you've reached the point of "guilty and ashamed" -- not over a trivial 60 or 90 days or whatever you'd be waiting, but instead over who you are -- that's your hint that you're overdue to get stuff aired and figured out. You love your job, you are a "congenital overplanner," you care about maximizing your performance. This isn't stuff you should be denying or apologizing for or fretting about admitting to your life partner. It's you.

Instead, you need to own these things and work with your husband on how they come to bear on his quality of life, how you plan your family, how you and he divide the domestic workload. If his needs aren't being considered or met, or if he isn't getting a full say in how things are done, then it's time for him to be heard.

Someone who does feel invested as a full partner, however you divide the responsibilities, is not going to feel resentful over something so minor as pulling the goalie Feb. 1 instead of Nov. 1. Invested partners work together toward joint goals, and therefore will agree your focusing on work till X and then trying to conceive starting on Y serves you both and makes complete sense.

And invested partners also aren't fearful that admitting what they prefer will drop a spark on dry tinder.

Come to think of it, even if you didn't have a new work deadline to manage, there's still the issue of bringing another child into a situation that actually isn't working "well for all three of us." There's nothing inherently wrong with a household running around any particular thing -- a job, a hobby, a sport, a health issue. What matters is that the family co-chairs agree on how things are run. So please set aside time to get frustrations out and addressed.

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Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

(c) 2017, Washington Post Writers Group

 

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