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Health & Spirit

Husband spread pregnancy news early, now refuses to spread news of miscarriage

Carolyn Hax on

Also, if he refuses to clean up his own mess -- or does it only grudgingly -- please don't dismiss this as "otherwise just a PSA." There's a serious issue embedded in his childlike cluelessness plus impulse-control problem plus responsibility-punt on making it right plus your ... resignation? in light of his ... disrespect for your wishes?

I'm unsure whether he is unwittingly reckless or knowingly dismissive. I could see taking this to a good couple's counselor -- when, of course, you feel ready. You obviously have other, more immediate things to process right now. Take care.

Re: Miscarriage:

I agree that it is the husband's responsibility to handle consequences, but it is not a mess. I found having people know [of our miscarriage] to be a comfort. I hope "Maryland" and her husband can move through this together.

-- Anonymous

Thoughtful sharing would not be a mess, I agree.

But what "Maryland's" husband did wasn't thoughtful, it was emotional and verbal incontinence. Even that wouldn't be a mess -- if he had agreed to retrace his good-news steps to update people on the bad news. But he's resisting.

So a key source of comfort isn't available to this couple -- yet.

Once he takes ownership of his spreading the news thoughtlessly, and thus shields his wife from the consequences of his actions, then, yes, the support of their people will likely help them.

Re: Miscarriage:

No one is going to begrudge your husband a quick text to inform people you've lost your pregnancy. There is absolutely no reason your husband cannot take care of this. And if he refuses, look at Carolyn's suggestions. He's already being super selfish.

-- Anonymous

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