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Health & Spirit

Husband spread pregnancy news early, now refuses to spread news of miscarriage

Carolyn Hax on

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

Sadly, I lost a wanted pregnancy at about 8 weeks. Against my wishes, my husband had already told many of his friends and relatives about the pregnancy. He did not know "waiting till the second trimester" was a thing until I explained it to him. He thought the reason we learn about so many pregnancies in the early second trimester is that that's when most women realize they're pregnant. (Eye roll.)

At the time, I told him I really, really didn't want to share the news prematurely, but that if he couldn't contain himself then he could, as long as he understood the risk.

Now he has several people he needs to notify that I'm not pregnant anymore -- otherwise they will definitely ask, which will be very upsetting to me. But he wants to tell them "together," which is so unfair I don't even know how to respond.

I don't know how to insist that he do it himself without making it sound like an "I told you so." If you have a good suggestion, I would love to hear it, but otherwise can I just throw out a PSA to all those well-intentioned husbands to listen to their wives on this one?

-- Maryland

I am so sorry for your loss.

I'm also sorry your husband's insensitivity and stubbornness are adding to your emotional weight.

No need to worry about an "I told you so," though. Just be calm, firm and factual: "No, I will not tell these friends with you. Anyone you told about the pregnancy, you can now tell about the miscarriage."

...continued

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