Life Advice

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Health & Spirit

No desire to spend time with critical parents

Carolyn Hax on

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

In my childhood, criticism from my parents was the constant theme. My grades were never good enough, my room was never clean enough, whatever. As a result, I feel little to no affection for my parents now that I'm an adult, and I don't spend much time with them or talk to them much. I just don't like them very much.

However, some people who know this say I'm going to regret distancing myself from them when they're gone. Do you think that's true? Should I make more of an effort to spend more time with them now so I don't regret it later?

-- Criticized

Your friends would regret distancing themselves, if they were in your position. That doesn't mean you will.

So, no, I don't think that is universally true that distance equals regrets.

However, I do believe that seeing parents as people, instead of just as parents, is a more useful way to determine how to adapt your relationship with them over time.

What you describe of your parents is a child's view of people who, apparently, thought that being a parent meant being strict and teachy all the time. I agree with you that it's a cold way to go, and tough to forgive -- but there are other aspects of parenthood that could provide a fuller and fairer picture. Were their parents that way with them? Was the culture around them one of "seen and not heard" and "spare the rod" orthodoxy? Did they tend not to question things about life in general, their parenting views among them? Was one of them softer but not strong enough to counteract the other?

And: What did they become after their active child-rearing years were over? Did they remain locked in a cold orthodoxy, or did they bloom a little when the weight of responsibility was removed? Are they trying to get to know you now, or are you still 12 to them?

...continued

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