Ask Amy: Husband confronts the call of his elder libido
I haven’t responded yet because I took an oath of fidelity to my wife “until death do us part,” which I have honored.
But I wonder if her dying brain doesn’t meet that standard?
Am I not entitled to some happiness, even as my wife descends into a deepening fog?
Can you help me?
– Extremely Conflicted Husband
Dear Conflicted: Your decision to place your wife in a memory care facility was so agonizing that it sent you into a serious depression. You were wise to seek therapy and treatment.
If you override your own values and respond to this assertive advance, your mental health would likely be affected. Discuss this in therapy (use your therapy to discuss your choices in advance, versus responding to events after the fact).
Communicating with old friends from high school will help you to reconnect with the man you once were, before this disease took so much from your family.
But any person who would respond to your report of grief and loneliness by immediately implying a sexual reconnection is once again “playing your libido like a yo-yo.”
Elder libido is strikingly similar to teenage libido. The rush of attraction feels dangerous and wild.
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