Ask Amy: Siblings estranged from mom want no contact
There was nothing indicating that our mother has made any adjustments or that a renewed relationship would be anything other than the constant turmoil of the past.
None of this is Laura’s fault. I don’t want to be a jerk.
Do I have any obligation to respond?
I’m concerned that my mother would interpret any response as a sign that her persistence is “working.”
– Estranged
Dear Estranged: When parents write to me about estrangement, they frequently state that they have no idea why an estrangement has occurred, and yet – your mother does know the reason, because you have told her.
She has designated her amiable friend to be her representative, because all of her more outrageous and aggressive attempts have failed. She is now “using” her friend, which is another boundary she has crossed – with her friend and with you.
“Laura” has stated a number of truisms: Family will always be family, no one is perfect, etc. etc. There is nothing in the message to indicate that your mother is making a move toward change.
You are not obligated to reply. If you do reply, I suggest that you respond: “I received your email. I am reminded again of your kindness when I was traveling in Europe all those years ago. Thank you again for your hospitality. Otherwise, I hope you are well.”
That’s it. If she contacts you again as your mother’s representative without any specific indications regarding change, then you can further make your point by ignoring it.
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