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Ask Amy: A father ponders parental possibilities

Amy Dickinson, Tribune Content Agency on

It could also lead to an unlikely happy ending.

How should I approach this?

– Caught

Dear Caught: One way to begin would be to try your hardest to build a relationship with your daughter. If she seems unhappy “in a hidden way,” then you could start by reaching out to her, checking in, finding out a bit about her adult life, and connecting with her children and grandchildren.

I assume that your own guilt and ambivalence about her possible parentage – and your implicit rejection of her — is keeping you away. You would feel better now if you acknowledged your own regrets and apologized for being so distant.

You could say, quite truthfully, that you and her mother had a difficult relationship, and that on some level you let your feelings of betrayal affect your ability to be present with her as a dad. Do you have regrets? Admit them!

 

I don’t think it’s wise to connect your daughter with her supposed reluctant biological father, or to share your specific suspicions with her. Let her draw her own conclusions and make her own choices.

If at your core you want to find out if she is your biological daughter, you should be brave enough to ask her to take a DNA test. However, you have been prescient about the emotional risk involved to both of you. Pay attention.

Dear Amy: My husband and I have no children, but we have three nephews.

Two nephews live near us, so we're in pretty close contact with them.

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