Ask Amy: Abusive ex-husband now wants to share cabin

Dear Amy: I was married to “Bart” for several years. We divorced some time ago.

Last year we got back together but did not remarry.

As it had always been our dream to buy a cabin in the woods, last year we found a property to purchase.

We split the cost equally.

A month ago, he beat me up, threatened to kill me, and kicked me out with no money or job.

Fortunately, I had kept my apartment. He has an RV on the property where the cabin is located.

Now he is telling me it's all in the past. He wants me to come back, forgive and forget. Nope.

I want to sell the property, and he is refusing. He says he will never leave, that it's half mine and I can come back anytime, and when he dies, he will leave his half to his three sons and I will have to deal with them then.

What must I do?

I want to sell and be done with this horrible nightmare.

– R

Dear R: You should call the police, and a lawyer. Consider a restraining order and filing charges. Cut off all personal contact with this man.

You don’t note whether your investment in this property involved you actually co-owning it with your name on the deed, or whether it was a more casual arrangement with you contributing half of the cost of the property.

You should gather any documentation regarding money you spent on this cabin and – working with a lawyer – see if there is a way for you to recover any or all of it.

Dear Amy: We are in the middle of a parenting conflict with my wife’s sister and her husband.

Both families – theirs and ours – have two children between the ages 3 and 6.

My wife and I run a tight ship. They don’t.

We value manners and respect, while they value freedom of expression.

We have tolerated these other values, but over the years we have seen their behavior affect our children’s and our happiness to the point where we limit contact with them.

Recently, we told them that while they are entitled to raise their children as they wish, it’s our choice whether we want to be a part of it.

We have told them that their children are no longer welcome in our house.

My wife and I believe that it is inappropriate for a young child to barge into another person’s house, with no manners or regard for others, and behave in a way that we don’t let our own children behave.

This behavior is confusing to our kids, and unfair and very annoying for my wife and me.

The other parents don’t feel we have the right to impose behavioral expectations, so now we are at a distant impasse.

We would appreciate your thoughts.

– Mad Dad

Dear Dad: I’m not sure what the impasse is if you simply won’t allow these children into your home.

If they don’t come into the home, then – congratulations – no impasse!

If these niblings barge into your home without being brought by a parent (hard to imagine at their young ages), then you could either take them home, or wait with them on the porch while you call their folks to come and get them.

I understand the challenge of being around young children who are extremely active or poorly behaved (been there, wept with frustration over that), but you seem almost too upset over this.

These are very young children. You and your wife are their uncle and aunt. Keep doing what you are doing with your own kids. But save a shred of kindness and generosity for these other children. They are behaving the way they are being raised to behave.

Meet them at the playground or at the ball pit, where they can express themselves freely without disrupting your household.

Dear Amy: Like others, I am disturbed by your knee-jerk response to “Totally Confused Mom,” whose adult daughters claimed to have been traumatized in their youth.

It’s not always the parents’ fault!

– Upset

Dear Upset: Many people have responded to this topic, most raising the same point: It can’t always be the parents’ fault.

I’m wondering if perhaps there is also a change in parents’ expectations of how close their children should remain to them in adulthood.

Previous generations got by with occasional phone calls or letters. Young adults were expected to figure out their own problems. It’s possible that some young adults are trying to separate from their folks.

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(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)