Ask Amy: Online match wants to show up at the office
Dear Amy: I'm a 43-year-old never-married man who was matched and connected online with a 50-year-old woman who was married for 30 years and has several children and grandchildren.
We have been texting back in forth for a couple of months but have not yet met in person.
I have scheduled several dates, and at the last minute she has had to cancel for unplanned events.
I have enjoyed our conversations, as we have a lot in common. We enjoy many of the same things. We’ve even had some really hot, flirty text sessions going. Recently, she put the breaks on.
In my pursuit to try to meet up with her, I planned a somewhat surprise visit at her workplace, that didn't happen (I went to the wrong area).
I am at a point where I don't know what to do or what to say now.
I really like her, and I really think she likes me, but I don't think she is ready to date.
Is it worth trying to wait until she is ready, or should I try to move on?
What kind of things should I try to do to slow down to a pace where she is comfortable?
– Stay or Go
Dear Stay or Go: Never, ever, show up at a woman’s workplace. Ever.
You and this woman know each other virtually, but you two are still essentially strangers. It is a violation of the (unwritten) rules of online matching to show up at someone’s home or workplace without permission or a prearrangement. Don’t do it.
In this situation, your online friend’s life is much more complicated than yours. Her choice to break dates and her increasing distance from you means that it is time for you to move on, because she has already done so.
It can be challenging to read another person’s cues when you are meeting virtually. This is why I always suggest meeting for a casual daytime date as soon as possible after a virtual match, when there is mutual interest to meet.
Dear Amy: My brother died and left me a substantial inheritance.
I found out when my sister-in-law, the executor, sent me a check for a smaller portion of the money, along with a letter about what a terrible human I am – outlining mistakes I made 45 years ago (as a teenager), as well as a detailed account of mistakes made by my deceased parents, my other brother and his children, etc.
Included was a separate letter for my husband detailing his mistakes, along with her comment that we are getting “what we deserve” in having to care for my in-laws at home while they suffer with advanced dementia.
I did not give my husband that letter.
In order to obtain the remainder of my inheritance, I had to sign a legal document agreeing not to sue her, the estate, or the law firm overseeing the process.
I am full aware that my sister-in-law must be in great pain to lash out in this way.
I have great sympathy for her. I am sorry for her pain and her inability to overcome it.
However, I will not interact with her in any way going forward and will not be traveling to her funeral in the future, for my own well-being.
Is there anything here I am not considering fully?
Dear Grieving: Unless there are additional legal issues to consider regarding your brother’s estate, I’d say that you’re good.
Given that your brother has died, and his widow is raging and toxic, there is no need for you to have any further contact with her. Do not respond to her letters.
You don’t mention whether they had any children, but if so, you should attempt to keep in touch with them.
I applaud your compassionate reaction to your late-brother’s wife. Holding this sympathy and compassion toward her will be best for everyone.
Dear Amy: I agree your advice for the "Embarrassed Gran,” whose teenage grandson slept with a security blanket and stuffed animal while visiting her.
When I was deployed on an aircraft carrier, a lot more men than you might think brought some kind of lovey with them.
No one seemed to care.
– At Sea
Dear At Sea: Here’s a fun fact from Merriam-Webster: “During World War II, the term ‘security blanket’ was enlisted into U.S. military jargon and referred to any measures or sanctions taken for security purposes, but especially to those for keeping military information secret.”
©2021 Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.