Ask Amy: Daughter wants needy mom to back off

Dear Amy: I am a 26-year-old married woman who is struggling to tell my mom to back off!

My husband (of three years) and I love to waste a weekend or two a month just being alone together, without the chaos of friends or family.

My mom calls me every weekend and asks me to come over. On top of that, she texts me at least once a day telling me how much she loves me, using my childhood nickname.

My mom has always controlled my life. She had me when she was 19 and has mentioned that she “lived through me” when I was growing up.

My parents have been married for 26 years and I have four younger siblings. What does she need from me? I am struggling to take control of my life.

My husband tells me to stand up for myself, but I don’t want to explode on my mom when she is simply seeking affection. If it makes her happy, shouldn’t I just suck it up? I am going insane.

When we see them, she’ll call me later that day and say she didn’t have enough time with me and that she can’t wait to hang out again.

Her clingy behavior increases after we spend time together.

I wouldn’t dare tell her that it annoys my husband, but it does put some stress on my marriage.

I just want to be alone with my husband for now and for everyone to just get the heck out of our way.

How do you suggest I/we handle this? I’m afraid that when I finally say something it won’t be very nice, and our relationship will become awkward.

— About to Explode

Dear About to Explode: One surefire way to avoid an explosion is to be brave enough to draw some reasonable and respectful boundaries, now. It’s OK for things to be “awkward” for a little while, because both you and she will need time to adjust to your new parameters.

And so, instead of telling your mom to back off, you should sit with her, look into her eyes, and say to her, “Mom, I need you to take two steps back. I’m feeling smothered, and I don’t like it. Your attention is overwhelming, and it is threatening my relationship with you. I feel very stressed and torn.”

Your mother may become emotional and defensive. That’s OK; you should trust that she will learn how to adjust to this necessary transition into your adulthood.

Dear Amy: My son and his fiancée sent out save-the-date cards, invitations, and then made phone calls to people who did not RSVP to their wedding invitation.

Now it is one week until the wedding, and my brother and his wife (who said they could NOT attend) have changed their minds.

Everything is complete: seating charts, food ordered and paid for, and hotels rooms are no longer available. The wedding is in a small mountain town.

My son and his fiancée have everything in order and planned the whole wedding. I feel they don’t need the stress of last-minute changes.

When I called my son, I could feel the tension in his voice and I told him I would handle letting my brother know it is not possible at this late date to add to the guest list.

I feel bad but my brother had three months to decide — and declined (after he was called).

Should I have paid more money to cover the cost of adding him? Should I have pressed my son to fit him in and add to his stress?

— FOG (father of the groom)

Dear FOG: Last-minute changes are an unfortunate but inevitable part of any planned event.

Your brother announced he would like to attend, but there is also a likelihood that another guest or two wouldn’t be able to make it at the last minute. This is why many couples handle their seating at the very last minute, but hosts can’t be responsible for providing a last-minute hotel room.

The ultimate decision should rest with the couple.

Dear Amy: Thank you for suggesting an online discussion group to “Still Searching and Hoping,” who was looking for help with her crushing grief.

For me, a Facebook group offered constant support and understanding. These virtual supporters were always there for me. I didn’t need to make an appointment, or pay for therapy.

— Grateful

Dear Grateful: Support and understanding from fellow travelers can be extremely helpful, especially when professional therapy is out of reach.

========

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)