Ask Amy: In-laws bully family members
Dear Amy: My wife and I have been married for 21 years, and my in-laws have never treated me particularly nicely, much less as a member of the family.
My wife dreads seeing them, but fears angering her mother; I have tried to stay out of the way. I’ve seen this dynamic as the “price of admission” for marrying my wife.
Since I come from a close, noisy, Jewish family, I had taken their approach to me as just a cultural difference, since they’re Episcopalian and deal with each other differently.
In the last month, however, we’ve seen them twice and I learned from our kids (19 and 15) that the kids don’t like how their grandparents treat them.
They also reported to me that for years their grandparents have insulted me in front of them and my wife (when I’m not around).
I’m sad that my kids feel their grandparents don’t treat them well, and I’m beside myself with anger and sadness that my wife would let her parents insult me behind my back and in front of our kids. (The most recent time this happened, my oldest son felt he had to stand up for me).
I don’t keep secrets from my wife, but I haven’t reported what my kids have said, as I don’t want to betray their confidences.
At the same time, I am incredibly hurt that she would not defend me.
What ideas do you have for addressing a betrayal that I only know about through our kids?
– Hurting Husband
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