Ask Amy: Wife’s risky behavior escalates
Dear Amy: I’m a 31-year-old husband with a beautiful wife and two amazing little girls.
My wife and I have been married for six years.
Two years ago, my wife reached out to an old flame and engaged in an emotional affair. She continued to talk with him even while we were going to marriage counseling. After she stopped that relationship, a few months went by quite nicely.
Then she started an emotional affair (through Snapchat) with a co-worker.
She was caught and said it would stop.
That happened exactly a year ago.
The day before Mother’s Day last May, she told me that the only thing she wanted was a day of not having to be a mother.
I was happy to oblige, so I loaded up the girls and we spent the day together, so “Mommy” could be on her own.
I didn’t hear from her all day and she didn’t come home that night.
The following day, on Mother’s Day, she met me at my mom’s house and apologized. She said she got drunk with an old friend.
Turns out, that was a lie. A few days ago, she confessed to sleeping with a total stranger that night.
I don’t know what to do. I feel like the love in my heart is just gone, and I do not want it to be gone.
I have never been unfaithful to my wife, but she has hurt me so many times. When do you draw the line?
If love doesn’t reappear soon, I don’t know what I’ll do. Neither one of us deserves a life of unhappiness.
Please lend me some of your wisdom.
– Heartbroken Husband
Dear Heartbroken: Your wife’s risk-taking behavior seems to be escalating – going from what you both define as emotional affairs, to anonymous sex.
She kept knowledge of this one-night stand to herself until recently.
So why did she disclose this now?
Is she trying to force the issue in order to end the marriage, or is she trying to come clean in order to save the marriage? Is she trying to punish you, or does she want to punish herself? Does she have an STD? Did she become pregnant?
You two should head right back into counseling.
You should set your own goal for what you want from therapy: Do you want to continue to try to repair your relationship, or do you want to move toward parting ways peacefully?
You should also contact an attorney to explore your legal rights and responsibilities regarding a possible separation.
At the very least, it sounds as if your wife is overwhelmed by marriage and parenthood. You must put your kids’ well-being first. It might be best for the children to be with you in a separate household at least half-time while their mother sorts through her personal problems and choices.
Dear Amy: Recently a relative wrote to us and insisted that we send him our birthdates and birthplaces. We declined the first time, and he tried again. We turned him down again.
He said that in his retirement he has 'rediscovered' an old hobby of genealogy and is building a family tree.
He made a point of defending his request by saying that the birthdates of currently living people are not visible to visitors to this website, but only to those using a password.
This comment made me suspicious of the site.
We told him that we were not prepared to provide this information. He was quite miffed.
We cited the laws in Canada about privacy and said that it was our right to not have our information posted by him.
He already knew my birthdate and I warned him not to post it.
Was I right?
Dear Private: Yes, you have the right not to provide your personal data and have it posted on the internet. If you don’t want to do this, stay firm.
Dear Amy: “Back Off, Buddy” asked about a friendly but drunk and invasive couple in their local bar. If they set limits on this couple, the staff will help them out.
Bartenders generally keep a good eye on what patrons are doing and saying.
If people are told to back off, politely, as you suggested — but then ignored — most likely the bar staff will have a word with them.
Being friendly with the couple sends the message to the staff that you are OK with their behavior.
Dear Cheers!: This is helpful. Thank you.
©2021 Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.