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Ask Amy: Parents teach daughter how to be a 'sugar mama'

Amy Dickinson, Tribune Content Agency on

Dear Amy: My 21-year-old daughter (a senior in college) met her boyfriend two weeks into her freshman year (he is 23).

He asked to come live with us after his graduation.

There are far more job opportunities where we live than in his rural hometown or their college town. We agreed and have treated him like our fifth child. We support him in every way. He works a minimum wage part-time job at a retail store and is taking online graduate courses. He is not looking for real career employment. She is back at school.

I just learned that my daughter and he agreed that she will be the breadwinner. He’s waiting to hear what medical school she gets into so he can go with her.

Her student loans will cover their living expenses.

He uses phrases like, “Free food is the best food,” and includes his toiletries on my shopping list.

I’ve begged my daughter to see that he’s just using all of us for his free ride. I’m sick to my stomach watching her be used like this!

We’ve begged her to see what’s going on.

If I kick him out or charge him rent, he’ll just go live with her in the dorm room (that we pay for). I just want to save her from a lifetime of providing for a deadbeat, as his sugar mama.

— Need Help in Chicago

Dear Need Help: You seem to blame your daughter for your own behavior.

YOU are helping this man to be a deadbeat. YOU are his sugar mama (she is at school!). If this man is working, you should not be purchasing his toiletries.

You lack the fortitude to do anything about this (except complain), and yet you expect your daughter to behave differently.

You are teaching your daughter that it’s OK to enable behavior that goes against your own values.

You’ve been extremely generous. The sooner he transitions from your home to hers, the sooner your daughter will face the actual consequences of his entitlement, instead of just hearing you complain about it.

If she chooses to be the breadwinner, then it is her life. Wish them luck and let this go.

Dear Amy: I am a retail worker. I am also severely asthmatic.

As you can imagine, COVID has made this time intensely difficult for me.

Last weekend at work, several hours into my shift, I looked around my store and the amount of people not wearing a mask, despite it being a mandate in our state, was appalling.

Our store asks you to mask at the door, we offer masks for free, we offer many online services to mitigate in store shopping and yet the entitlement wins out.

 

I ended my shift in a panic attack.

I felt so much anger and resentment that my co-workers and I bust our backs day in and day out, pushing product to the floor, sanitizing our areas, working overtime, pushing ourselves as far as we can, with so many of us being high risk for COVID.

Customers call us heroes and know that the world wouldn't run without our hard work, yet despite everything we do for them, they can't be bothered to wear a mask for the 45 minutes they're in a store.

We wear our masks for eight-plus hours, yet a few minutes is too much for them.

Our health and safety doesn't matter, as long as we continue to serve them.

Amy, when did the world become so entitled? What happened to caring for other humans?

I beg of my fellow readers to please remember we are people too, and we deserve your consideration and respect.

— Burned Out

Dear Burned Out: I’m running your letter as a thank you to you and your fellow workers – and as a reminder of how important it is to respect the rules regarding mask-wearing.

This crisis has brought out the best in many, and the worst in others. I’m so sorry that front-line workers like you experience the impact of such selfishness.

Dear Amy: You should not have encouraged “Hate to Ask” to ask for a portion of her mother’s inheritance gift to a friend.

The mother DID know that a mutual fund could grow, and the inheritance to her daughter wouldn't, and this was her choice.

I believe that the friend got what they deserved, and so did she.

— Disappointed

Dear Disappointed: I do believe that people sometimes designate others as beneficiaries to accounts, and then basically forget about it – but your response is valid.

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(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

©2021 Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.


 

 

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