Ask Amy: Friends with benefits might have a love match
If you are bold enough, you could undertake the important developmental experience of jumping off the emotional cliff by simply telling the truth. After doing so, you will inspire either a delightful and surprising expression of same, an upsetting (but brief) confession that your feelings are not reciprocated, or an expression of a muddled in-between where he tells you that he just doesn’t know how he feels.
Telling the truth about your own emotions is lovely and liberating, as long as you understand fully that cannot control the outcome.
No matter what Paul says in response, pay attention to what he does. Because sex does not automatically translate into love, you should observe whether he wants to spend time with you doing non-sexual things: Walks, talks, coffee dates, and watching movies. If he doesn’t choose non-sexual friendship and companionship, then you have your answer.
Dear Amy: After my husband’s recent unexpected death, I learned about his longtime affair with a co-worker (conducted while they traveled for work).
I found emails, letters, and enough proof to want to make any spouse beyond angry.
I am struggling with dealing with grief and anger at the same time.
Should I tell my adult children about their father, or take this secret with me to the grave?
— Angry Widow
Dear Angry: You are experiencing the earlier cycles of grief, compounded by your understandable anger regarding your husband’s affair.
You see this as an either/or: Tell, or take this secret to the grave.
...continued
