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Ask Amy: Husband’s webcam habit affects the marriage

Amy Dickinson, Tribune Content Agency on

Dear Amy: I am newly married to a man I've been in a relationship with for three years. We have three children and we both work.

I understand that all of this can put a strain on our intimacy. I feel like he turns down my sexual advances frequently. I chalked it up to him being worn out from work, etc.

Trust has never been an issue in our relationship before. However, going on instinct, I checked his phone. His search history showed that he was paying for and had subscribed to webcam videos from a woman who is very wild-looking and is built nothing like me.

He has admitted his problem, apologized, and swore never to do that again, but I am having trust issues now, and I feel insecure.

I feel like he chose that over me.

How can I get past this and be happy again?

 

— Insecure

Dear Insecure: To paraphrase one of my favorite lines from poet Robert Frost, you can only get past this by going through it. And you can only do that with your husband by your side.

He violated your trust by paying a woman to simulate sex for him on a webcam. You violated his trust by catching him.

You seem to have discussed this episode, at least to the point where he quickly admitted to the impact of his choice. He obviously feels guilty. But frequently when trust is broken, couples issue their accusations, explanations, and apologies very quickly and then slam the book closed, hoping to just move on. It is painful for two people who love each other to dwell on their broken trust. Suddenly, it feels as if the image you’ve had of yourselves and your relationship (all those happy wedding photos) is completely flawed.

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