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Ask Amy: Friend wants to ‘out’ abuser to others

Amy Dickinson, Tribune Content Agency on

You’ve already done your job, which was to help a friend. Your privilege now is to continue to behave with integrity, and simply not play this game by the rules he knows, but by the rules you set. You may think to yourself: “I despise you. I’m onto you. But you don’t ‘run’ me. Therefore, I have decided that you are of absolutely no consequence.”

The decision to “out” this person to others who know him should be made by his former wife. If you did this too soon in her process, you might unwittingly invite him back into her circle, giving him an excuse or a rationale for contacting and trying to manipulate her, because you — her friend — had been “mean,” “unfair,” or had “embarrassed” him in front of others.

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for 22 years. We are getting a divorce.

My husband was not a constant provider. I was the main provider for the entire marriage. Because we didn't have children, he justified that for his lack of income.

I am retired now. We live separately. I have left him.

He has asked for $500 a month for spousal support, as he had to find a job, and that is not conducive to the life he was used to.

 

I am going to relocate to Florida because I have an illness, and a warmer climate will help. Not knowing my living expenses, should I have to support him and not live the life I'm use to?

— Baffled in New York

Dear Baffled: This is a question you must take to an attorney. You should look for one who is skilled in collaborative law or mediation, in order to arrive at a fair settlement.

My understanding is that the court would take financial information from both of you, will take into account other factors, such as his job prospects and earning capacity, as well as yours. The idea behind spousal support is that the main breadwinner throughout the marriage should provide for the other party to attain or maintain a semblance of the standard of living they had during the marriage. Your joint assets and the length of the marriage would all be factors in deciding the amount of spousal support.

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