ArcaMax

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for 29 years. We’re both in our early 60s. Our relationship is caring and loving, but we no longer have sex. It’s been nearly a year since the last time, and nearly another year since the time before that. When we were younger, our sex life was passionate and robust. But it tapered off over time. We don’t talk about this.

Once in a while I’ll suggest that we think about “doing it” more often, and he seems agreeable, but it doesn’t happen unless I initiate. And even then, it’s pretty, um, rudimentary. I don’t think this bothers him. We get along well and are very comfortable with each other. We’re way past the point of being wildly attracted to each other. I’ll admit that I’ve let inertia take over, but it bothers me to think I’ll likely not have sex again, and that we’ve just let it go.

I’d like things to be different. I worry about what our relationship will turn into if I lose that special intimacy with him forever.

Do most long-married couples just stop having sex? What is the “norm?”

Is it up to me to turn things around?

— Sexless at 60

Dear Sexless: Applying a “norm” to anyone’s sex life might not be appropriate, because popular ideas about what is “normal” tend to box people into a specific construct. In short, if your current sexless state was working for you and your husband (if you were both happy and felt fulfilled), then the norm — whatever that is — wouldn’t matter.

I highly recommend reading Ph.D. researcher Emily Nagoski’s groundbreaking book: “Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life,” (2015, Simon & Schuster), which starts with this line: “Yes, you ARE normal!”

I will say this: Your sexless status doesn’t seem to be particularly unusual, and you are definitely not alone.

You don’t need to accept your current situation as a necessary aspect of your age and stage of life. The first step toward change — and intimacy — is to talk about it.

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