ArcaMax

Dear Amy: I got back together with a girlfriend after being separated for 14 years. During that time, we kept in contact, and both often wondered if we called it quits too soon.

Now we are back together, obviously different people from those first years together, and this has caused some heated arguments, disagreements, many misunderstandings, and more.

Her communication style is blunt, straightforward, unapologetic, and can be perceived as mean. My communication style is the exact opposite, and this too is causing a rift between us. We have only been living together for two months.

I am unsure of where to go from here. I love her deeply and I know she loves me. I truly want us to work out, but I have to admit that I wonder if we are wasting our time trying to rekindle a flame that has burned out.

I would consider therapy. I don't want to share my problems with family or friends for fear of judgments.

What would you suggest?

— Unsure

Dear Unsure: If you are open to couples counseling, then absolutely try it.

Different communication styles can cause smaller rifts to deepen, but once you learn to communicate more effectively with each other, intimacy will definitely deepen.

Does your girlfriend want to communicate differently? Does she want to engage by listening, even if she doesn’t agree with what you are saying? Can you learn to accept her bluntness, as long as it isn’t sarcastic or mean-spirited? Are you both willing to change your minds? What is the personal “cost” to both of you for staying in this relationship?

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