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Ask Amy: Family estrangement continues to the end

By Amy Dickinson, Tribune Content Agency on

I agree with you regarding contacting family members about your grandmother’s condition, but your mother should be the one to reach out. If she is hesitant, tell her that YOU would feel better if this contact was made, and offer to take this challenge off her hands.

If your mother outright refuses, respect her wishes and understand that she is resentful, angry, and grieving.

Over time, people involved in estrangements construct a very hard and protective shell around their feelings. I genuinely believe that this shell is pierced through treating others the way you wish you would be treated. Behaving with generosity, even when others don’t deserve it and the outcome is in doubt will be best for your mother, and that’s why I hope she chooses to reach out.

Dear Amy: As the mother of three young adults, I was horrified that Wedding Stressed was willing to essentially tell one of her children that she doesn't see any need to try to treat them at all equally. She happily gave one daughter $25,000 for a wedding, but then was amazed that another child (her son) would inquire as to if they would be receiving anything toward his wedding. How awful.

When our oldest married, my husband and I decided how much we could afford to give EACH child for their potential weddings, and told all three that they would receive that amount when they decided to marry, to be used as they saw fit (big wedding, small wedding, elopement, whatever). We did this for our son, as well as our daughters.

I just can't see why anyone would monetarily punish a child for being the "wrong" gender.

 

In case you're wondering, if any of our children don’t marry, they'll get that money down the road, anyway.

There will always be times you need to spend more/do more/support more to one child over another, but in the big picture, it should all be divided as equally as you can manage.

— Jeez Louise!

Dear Louise: I agree completely. If parents can afford to (most of us cannot), they should earmark an amount (maybe call it an “adulthood gift,”) to give to children, perhaps when they reach a landmark birthday. Those funds can be put toward financing a wedding, for the down payment on a house, to pay down college debt, put toward retirement, or for whatever larger purpose the child chooses.

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