Ask Amy: Man is too resigned to nights on the couch
I'm not cruel enough to do that. She vowed to never move in with any of our three adult children if I weren't around (death, divorce, etc.).
Bottom line: I believe she sees marriage with me only as a suitable alternative to being alone and completely broke.
— Mortified Husband in Michigan
Dear Mortified: If you two split your wife would likely not be left with only her meager Social Security income. Your state is an “equitable distribution” state, meaning that the courts would look at your marital assets (all the assets acquired during your 35-year marriage, including your home, savings, Social Security, and retirement accounts) and decide how to fairly distribute these assets.
You seem sincere in wanting your marriage to change, and your question to your wife (“What about this marriage makes you want to continue it”) is a great one. It’s a shame her answer wasn’t more positive or illuminating.
I assume you are contemplating retiring soon, and this is a huge life change which will destabilize your relationship even more. You portray your wife as completely stuck, but you sound stuck, too. A couples’ counselor could help both of you to shake loose your thoughts and feelings in order to make a rational choice about your future.
You (and your wife) should read, “The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships,” by John Gottman and Joan DeClaire (2002, Harmony).
Dear Amy: My husband of 12 years (in his 50s), suddenly stopped using deodorant.
He thinks (I believe) that showering and using soap is enough. It is NOT.
I have tried gentle nudges, etc., but am frustrated (we sleep in the same bed) and plain embarrassed to be close to him when we are in public together.
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