ArcaMax

How can we find some middle ground? — Mindful

Dear Mindful: Some of what you describe could broadly be categorized as differences in communication styles typical for males and females. The “Mars/Venus” stereotype seems to fit your example.

Using this stereotype, a woman wants to share her feelings and mainly be “heard.” She is seeking supportive commiseration: “That sounds so frustrating.” “I’m sorry that happened.”

Men hear about a personal scenario and tend to problem-solve first, and commiserate later.

Your wife perceives your problem-solving as you negating her feelings, even though that is not your intention.

You telling “Millie” that she “doesn’t have to feel so offended” is really you telling her how she “should” feel — and nobody gets to tell another person how to feel.

You should NOT have to universally agree with your wife. You should NOT be “punished for having an opinion,” but why do you have an opinion about a personal dynamic between Millie and her friend? Why do you have an opinion about her feelings?

Family members are great at noticing patterns. (I will never forget the day my sister pointed out a pattern concerning the way I typically responded to a frustration — it was a game-changer for me.) Because you notice a pattern, you should mention it: stick with describing her behavior, not her feelings.

You two should talk about the way you communicate, and you should both make changes, in order to shift your dynamic. A couples counselor could definitely help.

Dear Amy: I have a friend who very recently exited a toxic relationship. Recently, she told me that she’s “talking” with the same person.

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