ArcaMax

Dear Amy: I am a 30-something daughter of divorced parents with two younger siblings. Our parents divorced 25 years ago.

Neither of my parents have healthy coping skills, but my father has really gotten extreme with his co-dependencies. He has always needed his children to constantly shower him with love and attention, specifically by spending tons of time at his house, and prioritizing him over other family.

Of course he is particularly sensitive to any infringing time spent with my mother, since he was the better parent (mostly true).

Holidays have always been a nightmare for me, as I am the one corralling my siblings and accommodating his feelings the best I can.

However, now that I have children (and we are in the middle of a pandemic), this baggage is too much for me to bear.

He had another one of his self-pitying meltdowns on Father's Day because we did not plan on "stopping by," despite having exposed ourselves and all of his friends and family at his house the previous weekend for his 60th birthday party.

I'm at my breaking point. His complete lack of empathy for anyone else makes it difficult to even enjoy his company.

I know he has a lot of issues (with his own mother, alcoholism, the divorce), and I want to be compassionate, but at this point I feel as though I'm just enabling him. When I try to talk to him about how torn I am all the time, he either blames my mother or becomes completely self-pitying.

I've tried emotionally distancing myself and stopping the accommodations. But if he's upset, I'm upset.

Should I approach him about coming to therapy with me?

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