Ask Amy: Spouse considers leaving alcoholic wife
Dear Corner: There are different ways to frame what is basically an ultimatum. One way is: “Unless you stop drinking, I’m going to leave.” This is a way of seeking to control another person’s actions, by leveraging a threat, and tying her drinking to the consequence. Obviously, since you have never been able to follow through on your “criteria,” you have no way of knowing if your own behavior would influence hers, but you should assume that her addiction disorder is stronger than your criteria.
Al-Anon encourages you to find ways to accept your powerlessness over your partner’s addiction, while learning to take care of yourself.
Another way to frame your situation is to basically state your own truth: “Your alcoholism has become unbearable for me. I love you and I want the best for you. But we haven’t been partners for a long time now. I’ll continue to support your sobriety, but I’ve decided to move out.”
That’s it. Continued counseling (for you) would help you to cope with the challenges presented by your own choice.
Dear Amy: I was recently on a group chat with a bunch of friends. One of these people, “Kelly,” “outed” another of our friends, “Kevin” as transgender.
Kevin has not mentioned this to any of us. I had talked with him the day before and feel terrible because I called him by his “dead name” and referred to him by the wrong gender.
Now, I don’t know what to do, for Kevin or myself. I’ve been dealing with my own questions of sexuality and I’m afraid that someone will “out” me before I’m ready.
Worried
Dear Worried: You’ve learned something important about “Kelly.” Never, ever trust Kelly with any information you might consider private.
You should contact “Kevin” and say what was discussed in the group chat – not to embarrass Kevin, but to get the story straight. Let Kevin respond to you. They might want to clarify things to the group.
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