Ask Amy: Distance and disease rattle relationship
Dear Amy: I’m gay and in a long-distance relationship with my partner/boyfriend. I live in a city on the East Coast and he lives in a city on the West Coast.
I visit as often as I can, but until we can live together, we’re not monogamous.
I don’t hook up much, but I believe and accept that my boyfriend does. However — this creates a problem these days: I suspect he’s still hooking up even during this pandemic. (I’m not).
He won’t ever talk with me about his “other” sex life (he does discuss this with his local friends, however). I don’t know where or how to begin, because I know I’ll only get denial from him.
What can I do about him staying safe these days, given I don’t really know what he is doing, and he won’t say?
To me, staying safe means not hooking up at all, and I don’t think he’s willing to do that.
— Worried
Dear Worried: Your relationship is imbalanced. From what you write, it sounds as if you’re the guy who gets on a plane to travel across the country. You are the partner who discloses honestly what you are doing, how you are feeling and who you are hanging out with (at this point, nobody).
Your guy doesn’t sound compliant — to any particular social, ethical or relationship construct.
If he wanted to be emotionally intimate with you, he would answer your questions honestly, risking a conversation he obviously does not want to have. Instead, he would rather communicate with his local friends and keep you in the dark.
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