ArcaMax

Dear Overworked: Well, you could work hard to try to shift your perspective, but that would be yet another chore on your "to-do" list.

You are describing a fairly common dynamic within traditional two-parent families, and although this balance seems to be shifting, women often become the "shefault" (default) parent. Yes, your built-up resentment over feeling like your husband's "mommy" has affected your relationship, because it's a big lift to feel in charge of everyone -- and then want to have sex with the person who can't even manage to wake himself up in the morning.

Your husband feels resentful, too. He sees his participation as a special event, and you aren't giving him enough extra credit. He probably works hard, too -- but at things other than parenting.

Author Eve Rodsky has come up with a useful way for busy parents to reframe their households. As a professional mediator for high-powered families (and a frustrated "shefault" parent of young kids), she realized that some of the tools she used at work could be applied to her messy home life. Her book, "Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live)" (2019, G.P. Putnam's Sons) breaks down child and household roles in a new way, and "gamifies" it so that couples can negotiate their own solutions.

Dear Amy: You get letters from folks who wonder if they should apologize for bullying they took part in when they were children.

Well, I just got one of those "apologies" and the answer is NO! They should not.

In my "apology," the bully detailed one incident as an example of how mean he was and to explain what he's sorry for.

He included the ugly names he called me, so, the "apology" dredged up all the old hurt and I got to experience it all over again.

Thanks, but no thanks. Leave it in the past where it belongs.

I don't need to be feeling like this today, just so he can feel better about himself.

...continued