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Ask Amy: 'Shefault' parent wants to rebalance home life

By Amy Dickinson, Tribune Content Agency on

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for six years. We have two children -- ages one and five. I struggle feeling like I'm supported at home.

Most days I get up with the kids and start getting them ready for school. My husband will sleep in and either get up on his own, or I'll wake him up.

I really don't want to have to add "get husband out of bed" to my morning routine, but that's what I've been doing.

He doesn't think it's a big deal -- I can just "get him up earlier" if I want his help earlier in the morning.

For me this is just a microcosm of our household -- I do the work by default. If I want his participation, I need to coordinate his involvement. He says I don't give him enough credit for the things he does, and it's true that we do split some work evenly.

Still, this makes me feel as if I need to not only do the heavy lifting by default and work to get him involved, but then also make him feel like a rock star for getting up with the baby once in a while.

 

It feels like my work is invisible and his work is not. Clearly neither of us is able to be unbiased about our role in the home.

I feel like he is a "fair weather dad" -- helpful when the work is easy, scarce when it's hard. For me, it's killed my attraction to him, and I just feel annoyed basically all the time.

How do I shift my perspective so I can live in peace and be content with what I have?

-- Overworked Mom

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