ArcaMax

Dear Married: What you are experiencing here is the birth of your adulthood. You absolutely cannot have your (no) wedding cake and eat it too. You have no cake to share, no ceremony to share, no communal celebration to share, and only the leaked news of your elopement to share.

You have every right to get married any way you want to, and that includes completely privately and secretly. Many people happily choose to marry privately, and for some -- it is ideal.

But when you refuse to be open about your plans -- before or afterward -- you create a barrier around your personal world.

Your friends and family most likely assume that you two are intensely private people and that you don't want your relationship to be noticed, remarked upon, or fussed over.

If you want to be congratulated, then announce your marriage -- either on social media, through a written announcement sent through the mail, or a group email. Include a photo (if you have one) of the two of you on your wedding day. And yes -- because you two seem to want to celebrate, you should host a night-out (it could be something as simple as a meet-up at your favorite bar) to announce your status and allow people to toast you.

Dear Amy: I dated a guy for a couple of months a while back. His wife died a few years prior to us meeting, but he still referred to her as his wife.

It was a little hard to hear -- not only because she was dead, but I found out that they were in the process of divorcing when she died.

Recently I started talking with another guy who did the same thing. We talked into the late night on our first date and he mentioned his "wife" several times, even though they have been divorced for eight years now.

I'm wondering: Should I let these guys I keep meeting refer to their exes as their "wives"? Am I being too demanding in asking them to refer to them as their ex-wife?

-- Wife Material

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