ArcaMax

Dear Amy: I have been with my fiance for five years -- dating for three, engaged for two. For the first few years it was fine. I was in love until we moved in with each other.

Once we were living together, he would snap at me often and repeatedly. He disparaged and was not supportive of me when I was sick, and I found out he was addicted to porn.

I moved out for two months as we tried to work things out. But every hurt, disparaging remark etc., remained as a wound, even after I moved back in.

I've faced the conclusion that I don't and won't love someone who isn't supportive, kind, and caring consistently.

He's told me he didn't like me rubbing his back or his hand, he doesn't want me to initiate sex (we were last intimate four months ago), and he gets upset with me after I ask him to clean up after his dog.

How do I end this relationship without anger and bitterness? I cannot marry him.

-- Hurt and Unloved

Dear Hurt: Here's how to end a relationship without anger or bitterness: You stay in the relationship until you are so depleted that you no longer have access to your feelings. Please, don't do this.

My overall point is that you cannot control how your fiancé will receive the news that you are leaving him, but the sooner you do this, the stronger you will be -- and your strength will help to inoculate you against the emotions which you seek to avoid.

You have already separated once. Your partner knows that you are unhappy -- and he sounds quite unhappy, too. You should anticipate a similar response when you separate again.

...continued