Friend's romantic partner is too elusive
Dear Amy: My husband and I have a very dear friend, "Mike." About a year ago, Mike started dating "Ardele," who seems lovely. They go on lots of fun trips together and seem to be getting serious. They recently visited Ardele's hometown and Mike met her whole family.
However, even though we see Mike a few times a month, we have only met Ardele three times. Nearly every time we have a plan to meet up with them, she drops out at the last second without explanation. Mike simply says, "Ardele isn't going to be able to make it."
We've never asked any questions. Maybe having more separate social lives works for them. I've also considered that she might have social anxiety, migraines, or some other medical condition that flares up suddenly. I've just done what my Mom always taught me -- assume the best intentions and mind your own business.
Then yesterday, Mike ran our city's marathon. He has been training for almost a year. When we saw him at the finish line, I expected to see Ardele, but she wasn't there. She also skipped the celebration later that night.
I'm getting kind of upset now. At what point am I allowed to worry about Mike? He shows up for his friends. It just makes me so sad to think that his partner does not make him a priority. Is there a way to gently ask him if he's getting what he needs out of this relationship?
-- Wondering Friend
Dear Wondering: You do not need anyone's permission to worry about your friend. However, you don't report that he seems unhappy -- only that he is circumspect about his relationship. If he is having the kind of relationship he wants to have, regardless of whether it meets your standards, then there is nothing to worry about.
Your mother was right (they so often are). Assuming the best and minding your own business is definitely the path of least resistance. But friends also get to be honest with each other, even if that honesty creates a difficult or awkward moment.
Stop walking on eggshells. If you are curious about something, then ask a question (friends get to do that): "What's going on with 'Ardele'? We don't see her very often. We'd love to get to know her better." "Mike" might choose to be evasive. You should respect his -- and her -- privacy.
I give Mike credit for carrying on with his own plans and choosing to go solo even when his girlfriend stays away. This might present a good balance for him.
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