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Bored dad trades woman in for a younger model

By Amy Dickinson, Tribune Content Agency on

Dear Amy: My father just turned 70 years old. He and my mom divorced when he turned 50, because he was having an affair with a younger woman, "Cherie." My siblings and I eventually accepted Cherie and grew quite fond of her.

About 18 months ago, my dad started to complain about how Cherie was too dependent on him. He quite suddenly decided to move out and dissolved this relationship after almost 20 years together.

We were supportive but concerned, as it seemed like a drastic move.

Within a week, my dad mentioned a new "friend" he'd been spending time with. They met when she sent him a random friend request on social media. She was married. Within a couple of months, he mentioned that she had left her husband and that they were seeing each other.

She is about 20 years younger than he (just two or three years older than my oldest sibling). He has paid for and taken her on trips, had her car repaired, and spends time hanging out at her job (he's retired, she works retail) to keep her company. For his recent birthday, she didn't get him anything. He dismissed it.

My siblings and I have never met this woman, but have mentioned to our dad that it seems like a very one-sided relationship. We're worried that she's taking advantage of him. He is very bored in his retirement and insists taking care of her gives him something to do.

We've suggested that he find some volunteer roles or a part-time job to keep busy, but he doesn't seem interested.

Last week he canceled plans with us at the last minute because she was having a 'crisis' and needed his help. He says he'd like to invite her to family events. We do not want to bring this woman into our family. Should we try to accept this woman, for better or worse?

-- Suspicious Daughter

Dear Suspicious: You worry that this woman is taking advantage of your father, and yet here he is, dating someone the same age as his kids, who left her marriage (presumably) to be with him.

My point is that the advantage-taking goes both ways.

Your father doesn't like to be alone. He doesn't want to do volunteer work. He wants to be with a woman. Based on his behavior so far, this seems like a core value for him. Furthermore, his pattern is to "take care" of a woman, and then perhaps to see this as a burden.

Your father is living his life. You portray him as a fairly shallow, bored (and possibly boring) man. But this is his life. You are not required to see his current partner as a family member, but you would be wise to get to know her.

Dear Amy: My daughter has my husband's extremely pale, Nordic appearance. In high school she had some darker-skinned friends of other races. Sometimes they would poke gentle fun at her for her whiteness, such as telling her she looked like a ghost in her bathing suit.

Although they didn't mean any harm (and she understood this), sometimes it bothered her. However, she felt like because she was white and they were darker, she had to take it with grace.

 

It isn't OK/PC to poke even good-natured fun at darker-skinned people these days, even if they are close friends, but doesn't that work both ways?

How should she respond if this happens again? I have another daughter coming up behind her with the same coloring, and she may face the same experience with her friends.

-- Bothered in CO

Dear Bothered: The heightened sensitivities surrounding -- well, everything -- has officially become exhausting.

Does this light-hearted and good-natured banter from friends really bother your daughter? Have you encouraged her to not let it bother her?

She could be honest with her friends: "I don't make fun of your skin tone, and I wish you wouldn't make fun of mine."

I'm also going to give your daughter a comeback, but she can only use it if she delivers it with gusto and humor:

"Hey, I'm here. I'm clear. Get used to it."

Dear Amy: "Short and Fed Up" was sick of people making fun of her stature! Me, too, although these comments most often come from friends, not strangers, and I choose to view them as endearments.

I also have a new comeback to those jokes: "I am not short. I am fun size." It works.

-- Fun Size

Dear Fun Size: Perfect.

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(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)


 

 

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