Distant dad has generous sons on family plan
Dear Amy: I am a mother of two boys, age 12 and 14. Their father is in and out of their lives. He very rarely contributes to their upbringing.
The boys have spent a total of 10 days with him this entire year. He lives 20 miles away. While with him, my sons decided their dad could use a new cellphone. I have no idea if this was their dad's idea or theirs, but my boys asked to put their savings together (earned from doing chores and/or saving birthday money) to buy a new phone for their dad.
Amy, their dad has taken numerous vacations this year, including cruises and flights out of the country. He did not bother even once to take the boys. He even promised he was taking them on one of his trips to New York and did not take them. He didn't even bother to tell them he wasn't taking them; he just didn't show.
I am conflicted on whether I should let our sons buy him a phone. I don't want them to, obviously, and my thoughts are if he needs a new phone, he should skip a vacation and buy one. But I'm not sure how, or even if, I should explain this to my boys. Should I just let them do a good deed for their father without interfering?
-- Trying to be a Good Mom
Dear Trying: Your son's father is not an attentive or responsible parent. Your boys haven't had consistent contact.
This is what I think is going on: These boys love their father; they want him in their lives, and they are turning themselves inside out to please him. Human nature leads children to seek love, and to try mightily to have contact with -- and please -- their parents.
These boys are secure in your love for them, which means, paradoxically, that they won't be giving you a new phone anytime soon. They know your love isn't contingent on the shallow pleasure of receiving material things.
In short, they are trying to win over their father, and he is taking advantage of this dynamic, because he isn't the man he should be.
Say to them, "You have earned this money. Are you sure you want to do this? I know that Dad can take care of himself, but I won't stop you, if that's what you really want to do. It's your money to spend as you wish."
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