A bully's behavior must be dealt with
-- Furious Friend
Dear Furious: One suggestion is for you to find a way to stand up to this bully the next time he goes bonkers. You should do so in a way where you are true to your own values and behavior -- working hard to not let him rattle you, and responding: "Hey, I'm not OK with you yelling at me. Please stop it." Practice this -- or a similar response -- on your own. Do not focus on being clever or joking your way around it.
Yes, you could avoid him, but then he would be controlling your movements and social choices. Obviously, you won't be inviting this guy to your home, but I hope you will not let his presence elsewhere keep you away.
His wife is his enabler and clean-up crew. She is with him, and in order to stay with him she must discount and normalize his behavior and the effect it has on her, and others.
You could say to her, "Look, I'm not judging you. But I don't like being yelled at, and I don't intend to tolerate it."
Dear Amy: I've been corresponding with a woman I saw speak at a public forum several months ago. Our interactions have been positive, and I enjoy her insights on current events, especially on things she's passionate about (though she's often busy, and I worry I'm taking up too much of her time).
However, I'm also planning to ask her out. We live in the same metro area. She's currently away for several months, but when she gets back I'd like to ask her to lunch.
Is it wrong of me to have two motives for interacting with her? If not, is there a way to ask her out that won't seem awkward?
-- Conflicted
Dear Conflicted: It is not at all wrong to have mixed motives for trying to meet someone in person, as long as you understand and anticipate that the person you are hoping to meet might not share all -- or any -- of your motivations.
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