Survivor of family dysfunction seeks closure
Dear Amy: I am a man in my 60s, happily married for 31 years. We have two wonderful young-adult sons. I am also estranged from my elderly parents and my one younger sibling, a brother.
I grew up with an alcoholic, physically abusive father, and a cold, distant and critical mother.
My father whipped me with his belt. Something as simple as spilling my milk at the dinner table would get me a swift and painful slap on the side of the head.
My mother had no sympathy, and didn't protect us.
I left home as soon as I graduated from high school and have always lived at least 2,000 miles away from them.
My brother became an alcoholic. I, too, had issues with substance abuse, and made poor relationship choices as a young man.
Through counseling, some difficult interior work (and a lot of grace), I found a better way to live than how I was raised.
I married an amazing woman, and we created a family and home that is a place of joy and healing for me to this day.
It has been 15 years since I have seen my parents. I do not miss them. I have gotten random letters from them over the years, questioning my mental health, accusing me of being an elder abuser, and of being ungrateful and unforgiving. I mostly ignore their letters.
I don't know what I should do when one of them dies. I wish them no harm, but when it does happen, I imagine it will be more of a relief for me than a time of grief.
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