Terminal disease is greeted with shrugging response
Dear Amy: Three years ago I was diagnosed with ALS, also known as Lou Gehrig's disease. When I am sitting down, it's not always noticeable that I have a terminal illness with a dim future. For various reasons, I have needed to tell people what I am facing. Most people who know me usually respond with tears in their eyes. I've learned to accept that and help them feel better about my future by explaining how I feel.
A small, but significant, number of people, however, have responded, "Well, we're all dying of something!"
I never know what to say to those people and wonder if you had some advice on how to handle what I feel is a rude perspective to present to someone with a terminal illness.
-- Not Dead Yet
Dear Not Dead: This is a very tough thing to face, and I'm very sorry you are experiencing this, now.
Just last week, a friend of mine who is facing a life-threatening illness told me that she had heard the same thing: "We're all dying of something" -- from her therapist, no less. Weeks later, the comment still bothered her.
And now I wonder if this is a trend of some kind.
A Buddhist thinker is credited with the quote: "We're all dying. It's only a matter of time. Some of us just die sooner than others." This is a push toward understanding and accepting the universal experience of mortality.
Friends and acquaintances might be trying to lead you toward a profound acceptance of your own death. However, this is not their job. (I assume that you would appreciate a quiet and sincere, "Oh, no. I'm so sorry to hear this," followed by an attitude of listening.)
Supplying an unsolicited lesson on mortality is a strange way to greet another's tough and tragic news. "We're all dying of something" sets up a false equivalency. For one thing, ALS is a particularly cruel disease. The "something" you're dying of is actually worse than most other fatal "somethings."
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