Childhood incident is framed as assault
Dear Gramma: I agree that this episode, between two children of the same age, doesn't seem serious. This sort of behavior is common and provides parents with teachable moments concerning curiosity, privacy and bodily autonomy.
If the play seemed lighthearted, fun, mutual and spontaneous, then the reaction should be proportional.
When adults encountered this, they could have asked, "Tiffany, did Charles doing this bother you?" She might say that it was scary, yucky, gross, or -- "Well, we were just playing and I kissed his bottom, too."
If you discerned that it scared or bothered her, you would turn to Charles: "Tiffany says she did not like this, so you need to apologize to her and not do this again."
To both children, the adult should also say, "You're getting older now, and so you need to keep your clothes on. When you were babies, you two used to splash in the wading pool naked, but you're not babies anymore, so let's keep the clothes on."
If the kissing child had been substantially older or more powerful, or if there was evidence of more extensive sexual play, I would have a different reaction.
As it is, this vigilant mom has created a victim and a perpetrator from this one incident. This is potentially life-altering for both children, and I wonder how these two are expected to mature into balanced, sexually-healthy people with these challenging labels attached to them.
Yes, you should respond to your daughter-in-law that you love her -- but that you disagree with the way she has framed this.
She should seek the neutral advice of her daughter's pediatrician or a child psychologist, versus family members.
Dear Amy: I just wanted to congratulate your thoughtful reply to "Fair Tipper," regarding tipping hotel cleaners.
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