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Doormat mom finds ways to retaliate

By Amy Dickinson, Tribune Content Agency on

Dear Amy: My mother is a doormat. For 38 years, I've observed her give in and give in repeatedly in her relationships. It's as if she is always thinking, "If I just give this person what they want today, they will be nice to me tomorrow." Instead, my dad, my grandma and her boss react by just demanding more and more.

Because she doesn't stand up for herself, she tries to get what she wants through manipulation. She will make a major decision on her own and later when my dad finds out she will tell him that he wasn't listening when she told him months ago. She will think she is very clever in "tricking" my grandma in a similar way.

Because I love my mom and I've observed this cycle of behavior, I try hard to always be gentle, but direct, with her. I've also resisted her attempts to pull me into her door-matty ways.

It is so hard watching someone you love be constantly walked over by the folks who are supposed to love and support her.

Any advice on how I can help her learn to assert herself?

-- Fed Up

 

Dear Fed Up: The dynamic you describe is of your mother being walked on, but then retaliating by gaslighting and manipulating the people who dominate her.

This is an understandable coping response. Your mother's passive-aggression is rooted in anger and low self-esteem. She is getting what she wants without risking a confrontation with the people who intimidate her.

You are understandably frustrated, and you are wise to resist this behavior yourself. But you cannot realistically change the way your mother moves through the world.

You don't say whether your mother complains to you (I assume she does). If/when she does, you should tell her, "I don't blame you for being frustrated. But Mom, you basically train people on how to treat you. If you want to be treated differently, you'll have to behave and react differently."

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