A mother's anger is exposing her grief
'Dear Amy: Twenty-five years ago, when my son was 10, I dated "Carl" for five years. Carl treated me badly, and this created a lot of disturbance in my son's life, and mine.
I eventually married a wonderful guy and forgot about Carl.
Seven years ago, my son died in an accident. Around that time, through a mutual friend, I learned that Carl has a wife and is now well-off.
Since then I have struggled with anger and resentment toward Carl. I regret that I didn't kick him to the curb the first time he mistreated me back then.
I have Googled his name repeatedly, only to churn with rage about the fact that we broke up after all manner of hurt and inconvenience to my son, and Carl never once acknowledged this, or apologized.
I am still married to my good man who wonders what is wrong, and I can't tell him, because he knew Carl and had always chided me for degrading myself with him.
What should I do about this?
-- Struggling
Dear Struggling: Grief is tricky. Grief is insidious. Grief is a mask-wearing burglar who steals into your life and overtakes other emotions. And right now, your grief is using your anger as a shield.
You should approach this feeling -- and your behavior -- understanding that you are reviewing the events of your life (and your son's life), and assigning blame for a very painful and challenging period where you made a series of choices that you now regret.
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