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Client stalks therapist, combing through records

By Amy Dickinson, Tribune Content Agency on

Dear Amy: I'm a young professional, working as a banker at a local branch. I have been going to the same therapist for nearly three years and I absolutely adore her. She has helped me beyond words. I treasure our wonderful connection and relationship.

Here lies the issue: I am technically stalking her.

My therapist banks where I work. I have access to her accounts and check daily, observing her spending habits. I am also privy to her personal information; address, date of birth and social security number, although I have not searched for her home.

I am mortified with my behavior, yet I find myself unable to stop. It gives me insight into who she is as a person, which makes me feel closer to her.

I would be absolutely devastated if she knew -- and I can only assume she would terminate our relationship. I can't talk to anyone about this. I feel it's truly abhorrent behavior, and I don't want to be judged. Help!

-- Secretive Searcher

 

Dear Searcher: Stop. Don't search today. Breathe through your impulse. And then don't search tomorrow.

This is highly unethical. Your employer has entrusted you with this vital and important information. You are abusing this trust.

I shared your question with Lori Gottlieb, a psychotherapist and author of the memoir: "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, HER Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed" (2019, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt).

She responds: "It's natural to be curious about your therapist, especially because it can feel like such a one-sided relationship. Most of us wonder, 'Who is this person who knows so much about me?' I once Googled my therapist, only to realize that while I thought learning about him would bridge that gap, it instead created a bigger one, because now I had to edit myself in therapy -- a space where we're supposed to feel free to talk about absolutely anything -- because I was worried I might give away what I knew.

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