Girlfriend's smoking and sugar habit causes worry
Dear Amy: My girlfriend is very sweet and kind. She smokes and consumes way too much sugar by drinking soda. She doesn't like to smoke around me so she often cancels or truncates our time together, so I only get to see her for maybe an hour or two at a time. She does have a stressful job, but her lifestyle certainly doesn't help. She is often tired.
I am a healthy person. I have a disabled son who lives in a group home and needs me to manage his care. I am really his only guardian. I am the only person available to help my elderly mother. I lost my father at my age (57), because he didn't take care of himself.
I have explained this to her and she promises to quit and be healthier, but she doesn't show me any improvement.
I don't want to tell her how to run her life, but I do need someone I can grow old with. I believe that she (like a lot of smokers) is unwilling to see the heartache her habit might cause to people. She admits she is an addict but has not responded to books or courses I show her on how to stop.
I feel I must have some concrete action or I might need to just take a break so we can consider what we want to do.
-- Lost in Iowa
Dear Lost: You cannot run your girlfriend's life, and you probably cannot coach her successfully into better health habits, unless she engages as a full participant. She is addicted to smoking, and -- until she wants to and is able to kick her addiction -- she will smoke, regardless of your harsh judgment.
People who love addicts have tough decisions to make. You either continue to encourage your girlfriend to get healthy while detaching from her unhealthy habits, or you acknowledge her right to live her life the way she wants to, but without you as a witness.
It's called a nonnegotiable, and it goes something like this: "Your smoking has an intolerable impact on me. I can no longer be your romantic partner as long as you're smoking. I hope you will be able to stop, but that is up to you." (I'd leave her sugar consumption alone for now.)
And then you take your break, and let her make her own choice.
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