Man now wants to apologize for his sexual assault
Dear Amy: I am a successful man in my late 30s. I am very interested in social justice, and particularly concerned about violence against women.
The issue is this: I wasn't always the man I am today. I had a rather alcohol and drug-fueled youth, and did some things I am not proud of.
One particular boozy night I made some unwanted advances and committed what amounts to sexual assault. I did this. I am deeply remorseful and wish to apologize for what I have done.
My concern is that the woman involved may not relish hearing from me, given what happened.
Do you recommend I reach out or let this remain in the past?
I am trying to be a better man.
-- Working on it in the Midwest
Dear Working on it: You need to carefully examine your intentions and expectations before attempting to make this apology. Do you expect a response? Are you pursuing forgiveness so that you will feel better about yourself? Are you prepared to face the possible legal consequences (including being charged with a crime and/or sued) for admitting guilt for what you've done?
On the one hand, your impulse to admit this is commendable. On the other, it implicitly asks something of the woman you've admitted to assaulting. Any contact with you might be a triggering event for her (do not attempt to meet or speak to her; any contact should be in writing).
One college assault victim who responded to my query about your dilemma said, "Men who commit sexual assault don't want justice for their victims -- they want forgiveness from them."
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