ArcaMax

Dear Amy: I need help. I don't love my firstborn son. I feel nothing with him. When I hold my second son, my newborn, my heart swells with love. It used to be like that with my first, too, but it's not like that anymore, and I'm not sure why.

My older son is two-and-a-half, and a real handful. That might be why he's into everything constantly.

I feel like all I do is get after him! I hardly have time to sit for a second anymore.

I try to bond with him, I try to play with him, but every time I try he's good for a minute and then starts biting me or slapping me or licking me, and I just feel angry again.

I feel so guilty. I want to love him like I love my other son but for now I just pretend to love them the same. I don't want to hurt his little feelings. What should I do?

-- Sad Mom

Dear Sad: Your life right now is the very definition of overwhelming (parents everywhere are nodding their heads in solidarity). However, you might also be depressed. Post-partum depression affects an estimated 10 percent to 15 percent of new moms. The symptoms include having trouble sleeping or concentrating; anger and having trouble bonding. (You have bonded with your baby, but are now detached from your toddler.)

You should see your doctor as soon as possible. Describe in detail how you are feeling.

Also understand that your son's behavior is linked with yours. He is also overwhelmed. He is trapped in his toddler body, but he's regressing; he wants to be a baby again. Offer him a special blankie or stuffed toy to hug for those times when he's feeling needy.

For expert wisdom, I shared your question with Gay Cioffi, a parent-coach (littlefolksbigquestions.com), and former director of the Little Folks School in Washington, D.C. In four decades of teaching young children, she has found ways to love hundreds of toddlers.

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