Tragic loss has family reeling
Dear Amy: My daughter lost her baby to an illness a few months ago. He was an overall healthy child, and his illness and death has been a devastating shock. The entire family was devastated.
A month or so after this grandchild's death, my son, who also has children, started hosting large parties at his home for family and friends. I told him I did not think this was appropriate because of the short amount of time that had passed since this loss in our family. He said he was doing it because his children wanted to have their school friends and others over to their house.
My daughter and I did not attend these gatherings. I am disappointed in my son. Am I wrong to feel this way?
Still Grieving
Dear Still Grieving: I am so sorry for your family's loss. The death of a child conveys with it a grief in a category all its own -- deep, wide, long and abiding.
It is completely understandable that you and your daughter would want to try to (as in the famous Auden poem), "Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone..." Auden's famous funeral poem aptly describes the griever's desire for ordinary life to freeze in place after a monumental loss.
Of course you and your daughter don't want to attend a party! Being around other children might be especially painful. But please understand that you don't get to force, nor should you expect, others to stop the clock.
You son has children. These kids should be permitted -- and even encouraged -- to run, jump, play, and dive into their friendships. They should also be encouraged to experience and express their abundant love for you and for their auntie. I hope that -- when you are ready -- you will let them fully in.
Dear Amy: My boyfriend of six months is usually so sweet and kind, but sometimes a joke will go too far or he will snarl at me for something.
I will get very hurt, and not talk to him for a few days. When I'm not so sad and reach out to him later, he doesn't seem to care much that MY feelings were hurt. Instead, he is focused on his hurt that I didn't talk to him for a day or two.
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