Baby's uncertain parentage affects relationships
Dear Amy: My brother's girlfriend is four months pregnant. She told him that it might be his or one other man's baby. There's no way to tell who the father is, until after the baby is born.
What do I tell my 9-year-old daughter? I don't want my daughter to get excited about a new cousin, and then have to let her down.
If it's my brother's baby, I'd love to throw his girlfriend a baby shower and come to the hospital after the baby is born to see the baby. If it's not my brother's baby, I'm guessing that my brother and his girlfriend will break up, but I don't know that for sure. I don't have a very strong relationship with his girlfriend, but I want to be in this baby's life if it's my niece or nephew and I know that this will depend on the girlfriend's willingness to allow this.
Please help me navigate this. It's not exactly something covered in etiquette books.
-- Maybe Auntie
Dear Maybe: This is a tough situation, to be sure. But what would happen if you just decided to love everyone anyway, regardless of the outcome?
You should be a supportive and positive presence to everyone involved. You are already a parent, and so you have a lot to offer. Talk to your brother about what involvement he would prefer, but -- you should offer to welcome this baby into the world regardless of its DNA. Host a shower, pass along your favorite parenting advice books and let your own child get excited about a new family member. Depending on what happens after the child's birth, you should roll with it -- or be willing to roll with it, based on the parents' comfort, and depending on what they want.
The thing about babies is that they arrive, regardless of the complications in their parents' or other adults' lives. It is better for this baby to arrive into an open-hearted and loving family, versus one that is waiting on testing to determine whether they will love it. And so be brave enough to go ahead and love this baby, knowing that you may at some point lose access to the child. If this couple ultimately parts company, you can explain things to your daughter, holding no regrets over your own actions.
Dear Amy: If a romantic relationship is emotionally draining, is this a sign of toxicity?
Or are all romantic relationships like this, to an extent?
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