Family estrangement baffles parents
Dear Amy: Our adult son "James" lives on his own and has a successful career. Suddenly, without notice or explanation, James has cut off all communication with his two loving parents -- myself and my wife.
Just three months ago we were all together enjoying a birthday lunch (for me), where James introduced his new girlfriend. James and his brother provided a very thoughtful and generous gift, and I thanked them both, sincerely. Inexplicably, since that day James has not responded to any form of communication.
My wife and I are tearing ourselves apart seeking a reason for this estrangement. At first I was wondering if he was having professional difficulties, or even feeling suicidal, but he maintains a good relationship with his younger brother. It seems the grievance is with us.
James refuses to talk about it -- with his brother or with us. I've offered multiple times to meet up and apologize for any transgression, but James won't. I've offered that "adults can't resolve problems in silence" -- to no avail.
His new girlfriend seems to be the only variable in the family equation that has changed. Is she manipulating him?
Our family is small and we love being together a few times a year. James' silent protest has, perhaps deliberately, now destroyed these future family functions.
Amy, we want our son back in our lives. What do we do?
-- Shutout
Dear Shutout: I shared your query with Karl Pillemer, director of the Bronfenbrenner Center for Translational Research at Cornell University. Pillemer is currently studying family estrangement.
He responds, "In a survey conducted by Cornell, I asked respondents whether they were estranged (that is, they no longer had contact with) one of these relatives: father, mother, son, daughter, brother or sister. Over one-fifth (22 percent) of this nationally representative sample reported having one of these estrangements. Therefore, people experiencing estrangement should know that they are by no means alone."
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